Can we not do this, please?

Can we just be friends? Without you falling for me? Without me messing with you? Without the stale aftertaste of falling short?
Don't waste this feeling on me. I'm a player right now. Yet, I'm out of the game. I am the essence of "off limits". Don't get yourself hurt. Don't fall for me. Please don't.

Once more

Just the thought of falling in love like this again makes me dizzy. It crossed my mind a few days back. That I could fall like this again. I haven't made my mind up about it yet. Not that it would be a mind thing really.

I like the crazy and the mindless, the dizzy and the tumbling, the breathlessness and the pulling from inside my chest. It is autumn here. The leaves are falling like crazy, the air smells of rain and burning fires. And while my whole being begs to be released into the wild there's still a lesson to be learned...

Ich war nicht bereit. Überhaupt nicht. Ich weiß immer noch nicht genau, wie man ein Leben lebt, während man so liebt. Aber ich will eins. Ein Leben. Mein Leben. Ich will beides. Und konnte es nicht, kann es nicht, bin nicht bereit. Man erreicht nichts, man verdient nichts, man sammelt keine Punkte und hakt keine Etappen ab, aber für den Moment hat man etwas geteilt. Einen Blick. Ein Gefühl. Ein paar Meter Weg. Und wieder von vorn.
Wenn ich mir vorstelle, dass ich mich wieder so verlieben könnte... dann weiß ich noch nicht, wie. Weiß ich noch nicht, wie ich eine Frau lieben soll und gleichzeitig dieses Leben, diese Welt auch.

Ich war nicht bereit. Überhaupt nicht. Aber ich war mir sicher. So sicher. Als wärs Gewissheit. Wir sind immer noch - oder wieder? - am Anfang. Stell dir nur vor, das passiert uns noch mal! Nur größer. Weil im Jetzt immer alles größer ist. Vielleicht sind wir dann bereit? Oder werden es? Ich drück uns die Daumen.

Make love to something innocent

We've made the first 4 weeks. And I think we've done quite well. My first week of lectures lies behind me as well. I might have misjudged the organisation it takes to get the teaching, my seminars and the work done... But it is bound to get a bit easier with time, isn't it?

Today spring is making a guest appearance in Leipzig and I seized this opportunity to run through one of the forest-y parks of the city. It was absolutely amazing and there's a tiny little bit of regret in my heart that I didn't take a camera with me to share some of those stunning autumn scenes.

Wow. I can be dark.

Enough with the pity party. Enough. I have a beating heart. What more could I ask?

All of this is tearing...

I've been slacking a bit during the last days. I haven't been working. Or correcting my thesis. Or calling my grandpa. Or doing my laundry. I've been to the doctor and I spoke at the welcome lecture for the first year students, I met with my brother, painted our kitchen, rearranged the furniture, uploaded files to the e-learning platform, saw a dance performance in the city, went out to a pub... and still. I feel like I am hiding out from my life again. It makes me nauseous.
I still miss you. I still dream of you. I still think some great force should come along and fix this, please. Sometimes I think it would help if I had somebody to blame. Yet, I broke it off and am thus the only one to point fingers at. I am trying to negotiate with the dream factory in my head to cut back on your smile and your body, the hugs and kisses and the sex... but my brain just laughs at me and I am torn between sleeping forever and never going to sleep again.
Admitting defeat is not my style. I guess part of me will never stop hoping. I don't understand how I can love you so much. I don't get how people rationalize. I don't know how to stop setting out for the impossible again and again. I am trying to step down.
No christmas calendar this year, I guess. I'd already been collecting ideas... for another life maybe. For when we decide to make use of our superpowers. Maybe. And until then I will practice breathing exercises to avoid crying in the mornings. I will write the word "never" on all walls and try to believe it. I will demand less and get to the point where I master unconditionality.

I want to give up. I want to give in. I want to get over the strong notion of never wanting to be touched by anyone else. And yet I seem to have my very own definition of faithfulness...

[Sometimes I hope I die soon. So all of this can make sense...]

...and three's a charm...

Because I am having a halfway miserable weekend I came up with some melody for this text. It is not very elegant with respect to the rhythm of the verses and the end is improvised, but I think I'll leave it at that. There seems to be no point in tinkering with it any longer. Maybe another day.

Heroism

I can't quite decide whether I am childish or just refuse to succumb to all this desillusionment. Have you ever imagined yourself as a superhero? I mean, recently. Or maybe not as a superhero, but 'merely' as a hero? Someone who saves lives, nations, the world? Someone who has to put up against villains in the realm of impending desaster? Well. From time to time I do. For instance, today I have to categorize a list of roughly 200 verbs according to Levin's verb classes. And who knows, maybe someday that skill will come in handy? Maybe my knowledge that flow is a verb of entity-specific modes of being will save the world someday. Or my degree at least :).
I still think of my life as some kind of action movie and everybody else can be as grown up as they want. I will run as if there's a fight to prepare for, study as if it might save the world someday and live as ift the end was lurking round the corner. Pathos, here I come.

Alles hat seine Ordnung

Es ist schon witzig manchmal. Ich habe jemanden gefunden - durch Zufall -, der es versteht. Dass ich zwar nicht darüber sprechen möchte, aber fünf Abende die Woche bespielt werden muss. Mein ganz eigenes Integrationsprogramm, jetzt wo ich nach der Arbeit nichts mit mir anzufangen weiß, wo schlichtes miteinander Trumpf ist. Jedes Thema ist neu, alles muss "zurück" erobert werden. Ich nehme mir ein letztes erstes Semester.

Warum.

Ich werde noch sehr oft an den Punkt kommen, an dem ich mich selber nach dem Warum fragen werde. Deswegen folgt hier ein Nachtrag. Damit dieser Moment nicht verloren geht. Ein Brief, der letztlich nicht mehr abgeschickt werden musste.

21.9.2012

"I have been thinking about what is bothering me so much about your letter. I think I know now. I will send you this via mail, because it is not urgent, yet it is very importan.
This is hurting me a lot right now and I will not prmise - I cannot promise that I'll still be in love with you once you've made up your mind about wanting or not wanting a relationship. That makes me very sad. And this is what bothers me the most. Not the waiting. I am afraid I'm growing numb here. I am afraid that in the end you can miss me all you want and I won't care.
I left my phone in Leipzig and right now I feel I never want to come back to it.
I hope you'll be having a greast first week in Vienna and everything... but I'm in ruins and I don't think I'll be capable of making you feel anything other than worse. So I'll try to make myself scarce.
I will try to recover. I will try to not get hurt anymore than necessary. I will leave you to it and I am very afraid I'll never get it back."

To Vienna and back

In one day. The running commentary:

26.9. 3:25
When was the last time you did something for the first time? - Es ist halb vier morgens und ich fahre spontan nach Wien. Weil ich dich sehen muss. Weil ich dich umarmen will. Spontan. Nach Wien. Wer hätte das gedacht?

7:40
Sonnenaufgang in Prag. Für den Moment bin ich nicht mal nervös. Nicht mehr so wie auf dem Weg zum Bahnhof, als ich schon wieder heimgehen wollte, aus Angst das wird alles nichts. Ich fahr eben einfach hin. Und 10 Minuten wirst du für mich schon haben.
Die Musik im Auto ist inzwischen zu laut, um zu schlafen. Ich bin hundemüde aber auch zu aufgedreht. Es gilt, jeden Moment zu genießen. Sonnenaufgang in Prag. Wunderbar.

15:20
Surprisingly, this was worth every minute and every cent spent on the journey. We met for lunch and coffee. Almost 3 hours. And talked. Just talked. Normal catching up and a bit of the dreaded "how are you doing?".
I think today we've taken an important step. To coming out alive.

15:55
I am at Vienna airport. Waiting for my lift. There are awesome amounts of wind. I have a hard time breathing steadily, despite the feeling that today has been a success. I am trying to see my departure not as too final. I fill my lungs with air til the capacity of my chest is fully used. It is a good thing to like this city. A good thing to have been here. It is good.

22:05
Ich habe jeden Teil dieses Trips genossen: Den nächtlichen Aufbruch, den Balkanpop, Wiens Prachtwetter, dich zu sehen unf mit dir zu reden, den stürmischen Wind auf dem Wiener Flughafen und das Freiatmen, das Zeitfahren auf dem Heimweg. Alles.

23:40
Ich danke dir. Dass du das möglich gemacht hast.

I have to capture this moment. This first moment that I can really see that all the good this world has to offer still exists. Just imagine! There's so much to this life that is still awaiting us! You promise me, you won't settle for anything less than fabulous. And I will do the same.

I remember now. Why I wrote all those songs. I remember the feeling that let me venture for you. Just imagine that there are sixty more years of this! And all the things we can do! The people we could meet. I remember now. The great hope that lies in a vague future. The potential of our irrationalities. I know now what I'm in for. And I know you would agree with me if you read this.

Haven't we been here already?

The challenge for today is breathing. In and out. No sobbing. Just breathing.

My happiness is my own responsibility. I can choose this. Or I can choose to be awesome instead. I will try hard to choose awesome tomorrow. Or the day after. Or the day after that.

I've been with one of the greatest people this world has to offer. I will try to value this. To hold my head high. To grab this life with my hands. I'm starting today. With breathing. In and out. No sobbing.

---

Wow. I imagined this moment as a happier one. I'd planned going to Vienna the instant this thesis was finished. Just for a day. Just so I could let you know how great it feels to have this off my chest. Wow. Things change.

Wir stellen fest:

So richtig durchdacht war das offenbar nicht. Ich will dich anrufen. Deine Stimme hören. Dich küssen. Dir erzählen, dass mein kleiner Bruder auf Klassenfahrt ist und Marie aus dem Sprintbereich kommt. Ich will wissen, was du für Kurse hast und davon beeindruckt sein, was du alles lernen wirst. Ich will mit dir Kastaniensammeln gehen hier im Park und danach in zig Decken eingewickelt auf dem Balkon Sudokus lösen.
Ich möchte um uns kämpfen. So sehr, dass ich fast vergesse, dass das im Moment wenig bringt. Aber es hilft nichts. Ich stocke den Taschentüchervorrat auf und packe meine Tage voll in der Hoffnung, dass entweder Zeit oder das hier schnell vergeht. Denn das geht grad gar nicht. Du fehlst mir so, dass ich mir glatt beide Beine abhacken würde, um bei dir zu sein. Und wenns sein muss die linke Hand auch noch. Es tut weh.

I concluded that if there was a way

it would include this station either way. No matter if we decided to go there now or in 4 years' time.

I found the love of my life. With a less-than-elegant timing. And ill-equipped. But we tried nevertheless. Tried and tried. For bright mornings and worried nights for a whole new notion of distance and seemingly unlimited intoxication. And now we're here. Giving in finally.
I found the love of my life. Yesterday, I told her our relationship was over. I don't love her one bit less than I did at the very beginning. I am inclined to say I love her even more. And still.
There's no safety net. No masterplan. No we'll-get-back-together-once-we've-sorted-this-out. I broke up with the love of my life. So we could get out alive. Nothing more. Nothing less.
No future promises. No this-will-save-us-attitude. I found the love of my life. And then I broke up with her. It might be the stupidest thing I've ever done. Or it might have been the only reasonable option I had. But what is reason?

Change course now

I've been around for some time now,
the summers came and went,
and every sunrise followed a sunset,
time flowed without being bent,
and every August there were hot nights,
every Sunday just empty streets,
and sometimes I heard your voice,
but you weren't there with me.

I got drunk under starry skies,
stayed sober with nothing to dream,
and we waited for the next chapter,
not knowing what this one could mean.
Maybe more drugs would be helpful
or a little more love for you,
or could you knock me unconscious,
I think that might as well do.

Please remind me again what we wanted
and how far we are from it now,
empty shells of a dream left behind
and our ships long run aground.
I've been around for some time now,
for empty summers and lonely space,
and the echoes are slowly fading
it's just days and nights and days.

And every autumn we try anew,
this time in a last attempt,
and if it doesn't work out at all,
we'll just say it came and went.

hard-won truths

love is not a maybe thing

Es ist September - wir haben nicht genug getanzt.

Wir haben nicht genug geküsst im Juli, als es noch möglich war. Nicht oft genug wach gelegen in den viel zu kurzen Nächten. Wir haben nicht genug gelacht über uns und nicht genug getrunken, um davon schwindelig zu sein. Schon fast Herbst. Nur noch wenige Wochen, vielleicht nur ein paar Tage - nicht viel Zeit, um die Bilanz auszugleichen. Wir haben zu wenig gehofft im August. Zu wenig erwartet vom Leben, vom Sommer, von uns. Wir haben zu wenig getanzt, um das Leuchten wachzuhalten. Und nun? Ein letztes, verirrtes Glühwürmchen - aus den Urtiefen des Julis - flattert vorbei. Ein Herzschlag. Ein leises Lächeln. Also doch noch Sommer.

Not happy

Sometimes I think, happiness is not for me. Only Wednesday I wanted to write that I am starting to see the appeal in the concept of rest days. Turns out, I don't. Rest days are the worst and I spent most of today in bed trying to get it together. Just an hour ago I got around to finally doing at least something productive with this day, but I think that emotionally I am more on the fragile side still. At the point where I want to smash it all so I can stop being afraid about fucking it up. How ironic.

It never gets easier. You just get stronger.

You've been through this a thousand times now and everytime you seem to be caught by surprise again. So I will spell it out for you now. So that you never forget it:

It is like this. You are like this. No matter how many miles you run, how many pages you write, how many days you cross off. And this is your life. This is your very own personal challenge. It will be hard. And you will push on. Then it will get harder and you will struggle. It will get harder and you will grow tired and exhausted and you will fall. Time and again. Then you will get up. And maybe for some time it will be easy, even good. You will come out taller and stronger and up to life's hurdles. And then it will get harder. You will push on and refuse to fall again. You will push longer. But it will get harder and at some point you will grow tired and you will forget that you've been at this point before and you will fall. Again. Again and again. Then you will get up. This is your life. This is what you set out for when you decided to take up this challenge. It never gets easier. You level up.

An nichts außer an Wunder glauben.

Ich habe vor ein paar Wochen ein Lied im Radio gehört. Habe es gehört und mir eine Zeile eingeprägt, um es später zu googeln. Ich erkannte die Stimme, die mich immer findet, wenn es Sommer werden muss allem meteorologischen Versprechungen zum Trotz. Gegoogelt hab ich nicht. Aber ich hab die Bilder im Kopf gedreht und an dieses Lied gedacht. Eins nicht zum pumpen oder laufen oder gedankenlos frühstücken. Eins zum Replay-drücken immer wieder, während die Worte auf dem Bildschirm erscheinen. Und heute ist es soweit. Ich google den Mann mit den tollen Locken und da ist es. So viel Meer in einem Video. Seit gestern ist das neue Album draußen. Wird demnächst in diesem Zimmer rauf und runter laufen.