Freitag, Dezember 30, 2011

Time to clean up

I have the unsettling feeling that I am not at all done with this year yet. Still tomorrow will be the last day of 2011. I am on the brink of staying home in Leipzig. But I know I shouldn't. I think my sanity is strained enough as it is. So, what is it with this year? It seems to be pushing me around all the time. I am not afraid to say it was one of the best years, yet I am sure I'm gonna pay for it with more than just my soul. And on the top of all the intensity I want to throw it all to the wind now. I want to give up - months too late -, not because I am unhappy, just to get it over with. To clean up for the new year. It won't be that easy though. I will take every single bit of this mess with me, I will push on with nothing than the vague idea of being rechargeable. This world and its concepts of time and space will wear me out and I will throw myself to the dogs again and again, I will struggle with fate, I will triumph over the apathy of this world. I will lie awake night after night going to war with myself. There is no way of brushing this aside and clean up to give the new year a fresh start.

2012. So what if the apocalypse would strike in december? What would we want to do this last year?
Maybe it is more than ever the invitation to live for today rather than for tomorrow. So that's it. 2012 will be a year of 366 todays. No tomorrow. Not ever again.

Donnerstag, Dezember 15, 2011

I'm breathing.

Hard. My eyes are tearing up from unslept hours. And you will say goodbye soon. You will know how to go to bed where I don't. You will shut the light and close your eyes, where my head is echoing a thunderstorm. I know. I know. What can I hope for? And do I dare? I'm breathing. Hard. I'm breathing. You'll go. You go, I'll wait! Do I dare? I won't look down, I know the odds. The endless fall, the futile attempts of flying. I'm breathing. And you will say goodbye soon. I know.

Dienstag, Dezember 13, 2011

Suche verschollenen Text

Ich habe vor ein paar Jahren auf einen Text gepostet, auf den ich mächtig stolz war. Das Portal ist nunmehr offline (ohne vorwarnmail) und ich kann bisher keine eigene Kopie des Textes ausfindig machen. Er hieß "Im Schlafzimmer meiner Eltern" ("Ich habe meine Mutter geschlagen und sie hat geweint, als ihre Nase brach."). Vielleicht habe ich ihn aber an den ein oder andere n versendet. Dann wäre ich überglücklich, wenn er sich jetzt noch irgendwo fände!!

Freitag, Dezember 09, 2011

Keeping a secret

Lately I've noticed that I am keeping quite a lot of secrets. Nothing too serious, but still. I find myself abandoning people I've known for a long time and turning to anonymous audiences because they cannot judge me the same way. It is a fucked up way of thinking, but it is increasing my text output a lot. So I won't complain.

No secret is that I was in Austria last week and waited for snow while barely making it out of the house, too caught up in repeating over and over again that 4 weeks had been too long. It seems a tad bit ironic now, as we haven't a reunion date before our Finland trip in February... We'll see how that goes.
I managed to deliver the christmas calendar for Vera without anything breaking and even the house of gingerbread that Vera build for me survived the train ride home. All superstitions still in place ;).

While I've been away from everything that is urgent and bothersome, a parcel arrived from Japan and one part of it's contents is right now in the left pocket of my jeans and gives a little jingle with every step I take. It is like having christmas a little early, which reminds me that I still need to stack up on the presents, now that everbody else is flooding the malls as well - nothing like a relaxed christmas shopping spree!

For now I'm home baking Weihnachtsstollen and trying to get all the christmassy feelings I need for surviving the last week of lectures. Apart from that I have brought home a huge load of Finnish vocab that needs to get into my head, because I have trouble following in the Finnish courses and I'm quite convinced it's mainly a vocabulary problem - because every language problem is a vocabulary problem, isn't it?

I just wanted to leave you a quick note, so you know what I've been up to and I will post again soon to annoy you all with sappy "spread the love" messages ^^.