Can we not do this, please?

Can we just be friends? Without you falling for me? Without me messing with you? Without the stale aftertaste of falling short?
Don't waste this feeling on me. I'm a player right now. Yet, I'm out of the game. I am the essence of "off limits". Don't get yourself hurt. Don't fall for me. Please don't.

Once more

Just the thought of falling in love like this again makes me dizzy. It crossed my mind a few days back. That I could fall like this again. I haven't made my mind up about it yet. Not that it would be a mind thing really.

I like the crazy and the mindless, the dizzy and the tumbling, the breathlessness and the pulling from inside my chest. It is autumn here. The leaves are falling like crazy, the air smells of rain and burning fires. And while my whole being begs to be released into the wild there's still a lesson to be learned...

Ich war nicht bereit. Überhaupt nicht. Ich weiß immer noch nicht genau, wie man ein Leben lebt, während man so liebt. Aber ich will eins. Ein Leben. Mein Leben. Ich will beides. Und konnte es nicht, kann es nicht, bin nicht bereit. Man erreicht nichts, man verdient nichts, man sammelt keine Punkte und hakt keine Etappen ab, aber für den Moment hat man etwas geteilt. Einen Blick. Ein Gefühl. Ein paar Meter Weg. Und wieder von vorn.
Wenn ich mir vorstelle, dass ich mich wieder so verlieben könnte... dann weiß ich noch nicht, wie. Weiß ich noch nicht, wie ich eine Frau lieben soll und gleichzeitig dieses Leben, diese Welt auch.

Ich war nicht bereit. Überhaupt nicht. Aber ich war mir sicher. So sicher. Als wärs Gewissheit. Wir sind immer noch - oder wieder? - am Anfang. Stell dir nur vor, das passiert uns noch mal! Nur größer. Weil im Jetzt immer alles größer ist. Vielleicht sind wir dann bereit? Oder werden es? Ich drück uns die Daumen.

Make love to something innocent

We've made the first 4 weeks. And I think we've done quite well. My first week of lectures lies behind me as well. I might have misjudged the organisation it takes to get the teaching, my seminars and the work done... But it is bound to get a bit easier with time, isn't it?

Today spring is making a guest appearance in Leipzig and I seized this opportunity to run through one of the forest-y parks of the city. It was absolutely amazing and there's a tiny little bit of regret in my heart that I didn't take a camera with me to share some of those stunning autumn scenes.

Wow. I can be dark.

Enough with the pity party. Enough. I have a beating heart. What more could I ask?

All of this is tearing...

I've been slacking a bit during the last days. I haven't been working. Or correcting my thesis. Or calling my grandpa. Or doing my laundry. I've been to the doctor and I spoke at the welcome lecture for the first year students, I met with my brother, painted our kitchen, rearranged the furniture, uploaded files to the e-learning platform, saw a dance performance in the city, went out to a pub... and still. I feel like I am hiding out from my life again. It makes me nauseous.
I still miss you. I still dream of you. I still think some great force should come along and fix this, please. Sometimes I think it would help if I had somebody to blame. Yet, I broke it off and am thus the only one to point fingers at. I am trying to negotiate with the dream factory in my head to cut back on your smile and your body, the hugs and kisses and the sex... but my brain just laughs at me and I am torn between sleeping forever and never going to sleep again.
Admitting defeat is not my style. I guess part of me will never stop hoping. I don't understand how I can love you so much. I don't get how people rationalize. I don't know how to stop setting out for the impossible again and again. I am trying to step down.
No christmas calendar this year, I guess. I'd already been collecting ideas... for another life maybe. For when we decide to make use of our superpowers. Maybe. And until then I will practice breathing exercises to avoid crying in the mornings. I will write the word "never" on all walls and try to believe it. I will demand less and get to the point where I master unconditionality.

I want to give up. I want to give in. I want to get over the strong notion of never wanting to be touched by anyone else. And yet I seem to have my very own definition of faithfulness...

[Sometimes I hope I die soon. So all of this can make sense...]

...and three's a charm...

Because I am having a halfway miserable weekend I came up with some melody for this text. It is not very elegant with respect to the rhythm of the verses and the end is improvised, but I think I'll leave it at that. There seems to be no point in tinkering with it any longer. Maybe another day.

Heroism

I can't quite decide whether I am childish or just refuse to succumb to all this desillusionment. Have you ever imagined yourself as a superhero? I mean, recently. Or maybe not as a superhero, but 'merely' as a hero? Someone who saves lives, nations, the world? Someone who has to put up against villains in the realm of impending desaster? Well. From time to time I do. For instance, today I have to categorize a list of roughly 200 verbs according to Levin's verb classes. And who knows, maybe someday that skill will come in handy? Maybe my knowledge that flow is a verb of entity-specific modes of being will save the world someday. Or my degree at least :).
I still think of my life as some kind of action movie and everybody else can be as grown up as they want. I will run as if there's a fight to prepare for, study as if it might save the world someday and live as ift the end was lurking round the corner. Pathos, here I come.

Alles hat seine Ordnung

Es ist schon witzig manchmal. Ich habe jemanden gefunden - durch Zufall -, der es versteht. Dass ich zwar nicht darüber sprechen möchte, aber fünf Abende die Woche bespielt werden muss. Mein ganz eigenes Integrationsprogramm, jetzt wo ich nach der Arbeit nichts mit mir anzufangen weiß, wo schlichtes miteinander Trumpf ist. Jedes Thema ist neu, alles muss "zurück" erobert werden. Ich nehme mir ein letztes erstes Semester.