All of this is tearing...

I've been slacking a bit during the last days. I haven't been working. Or correcting my thesis. Or calling my grandpa. Or doing my laundry. I've been to the doctor and I spoke at the welcome lecture for the first year students, I met with my brother, painted our kitchen, rearranged the furniture, uploaded files to the e-learning platform, saw a dance performance in the city, went out to a pub... and still. I feel like I am hiding out from my life again. It makes me nauseous.
I still miss you. I still dream of you. I still think some great force should come along and fix this, please. Sometimes I think it would help if I had somebody to blame. Yet, I broke it off and am thus the only one to point fingers at. I am trying to negotiate with the dream factory in my head to cut back on your smile and your body, the hugs and kisses and the sex... but my brain just laughs at me and I am torn between sleeping forever and never going to sleep again.
Admitting defeat is not my style. I guess part of me will never stop hoping. I don't understand how I can love you so much. I don't get how people rationalize. I don't know how to stop setting out for the impossible again and again. I am trying to step down.
No christmas calendar this year, I guess. I'd already been collecting ideas... for another life maybe. For when we decide to make use of our superpowers. Maybe. And until then I will practice breathing exercises to avoid crying in the mornings. I will write the word "never" on all walls and try to believe it. I will demand less and get to the point where I master unconditionality.

I want to give up. I want to give in. I want to get over the strong notion of never wanting to be touched by anyone else. And yet I seem to have my very own definition of faithfulness...

[Sometimes I hope I die soon. So all of this can make sense...]