Warum.

Ich werde noch sehr oft an den Punkt kommen, an dem ich mich selber nach dem Warum fragen werde. Deswegen folgt hier ein Nachtrag. Damit dieser Moment nicht verloren geht. Ein Brief, der letztlich nicht mehr abgeschickt werden musste.

21.9.2012

"I have been thinking about what is bothering me so much about your letter. I think I know now. I will send you this via mail, because it is not urgent, yet it is very importan.
This is hurting me a lot right now and I will not prmise - I cannot promise that I'll still be in love with you once you've made up your mind about wanting or not wanting a relationship. That makes me very sad. And this is what bothers me the most. Not the waiting. I am afraid I'm growing numb here. I am afraid that in the end you can miss me all you want and I won't care.
I left my phone in Leipzig and right now I feel I never want to come back to it.
I hope you'll be having a greast first week in Vienna and everything... but I'm in ruins and I don't think I'll be capable of making you feel anything other than worse. So I'll try to make myself scarce.
I will try to recover. I will try to not get hurt anymore than necessary. I will leave you to it and I am very afraid I'll never get it back."

To Vienna and back

In one day. The running commentary:

26.9. 3:25
When was the last time you did something for the first time? - Es ist halb vier morgens und ich fahre spontan nach Wien. Weil ich dich sehen muss. Weil ich dich umarmen will. Spontan. Nach Wien. Wer hätte das gedacht?

7:40
Sonnenaufgang in Prag. Für den Moment bin ich nicht mal nervös. Nicht mehr so wie auf dem Weg zum Bahnhof, als ich schon wieder heimgehen wollte, aus Angst das wird alles nichts. Ich fahr eben einfach hin. Und 10 Minuten wirst du für mich schon haben.
Die Musik im Auto ist inzwischen zu laut, um zu schlafen. Ich bin hundemüde aber auch zu aufgedreht. Es gilt, jeden Moment zu genießen. Sonnenaufgang in Prag. Wunderbar.

15:20
Surprisingly, this was worth every minute and every cent spent on the journey. We met for lunch and coffee. Almost 3 hours. And talked. Just talked. Normal catching up and a bit of the dreaded "how are you doing?".
I think today we've taken an important step. To coming out alive.

15:55
I am at Vienna airport. Waiting for my lift. There are awesome amounts of wind. I have a hard time breathing steadily, despite the feeling that today has been a success. I am trying to see my departure not as too final. I fill my lungs with air til the capacity of my chest is fully used. It is a good thing to like this city. A good thing to have been here. It is good.

22:05
Ich habe jeden Teil dieses Trips genossen: Den nächtlichen Aufbruch, den Balkanpop, Wiens Prachtwetter, dich zu sehen unf mit dir zu reden, den stürmischen Wind auf dem Wiener Flughafen und das Freiatmen, das Zeitfahren auf dem Heimweg. Alles.

23:40
Ich danke dir. Dass du das möglich gemacht hast.

I have to capture this moment. This first moment that I can really see that all the good this world has to offer still exists. Just imagine! There's so much to this life that is still awaiting us! You promise me, you won't settle for anything less than fabulous. And I will do the same.

I remember now. Why I wrote all those songs. I remember the feeling that let me venture for you. Just imagine that there are sixty more years of this! And all the things we can do! The people we could meet. I remember now. The great hope that lies in a vague future. The potential of our irrationalities. I know now what I'm in for. And I know you would agree with me if you read this.

Haven't we been here already?

The challenge for today is breathing. In and out. No sobbing. Just breathing.

My happiness is my own responsibility. I can choose this. Or I can choose to be awesome instead. I will try hard to choose awesome tomorrow. Or the day after. Or the day after that.

I've been with one of the greatest people this world has to offer. I will try to value this. To hold my head high. To grab this life with my hands. I'm starting today. With breathing. In and out. No sobbing.

---

Wow. I imagined this moment as a happier one. I'd planned going to Vienna the instant this thesis was finished. Just for a day. Just so I could let you know how great it feels to have this off my chest. Wow. Things change.

Wir stellen fest:

So richtig durchdacht war das offenbar nicht. Ich will dich anrufen. Deine Stimme hören. Dich küssen. Dir erzählen, dass mein kleiner Bruder auf Klassenfahrt ist und Marie aus dem Sprintbereich kommt. Ich will wissen, was du für Kurse hast und davon beeindruckt sein, was du alles lernen wirst. Ich will mit dir Kastaniensammeln gehen hier im Park und danach in zig Decken eingewickelt auf dem Balkon Sudokus lösen.
Ich möchte um uns kämpfen. So sehr, dass ich fast vergesse, dass das im Moment wenig bringt. Aber es hilft nichts. Ich stocke den Taschentüchervorrat auf und packe meine Tage voll in der Hoffnung, dass entweder Zeit oder das hier schnell vergeht. Denn das geht grad gar nicht. Du fehlst mir so, dass ich mir glatt beide Beine abhacken würde, um bei dir zu sein. Und wenns sein muss die linke Hand auch noch. Es tut weh.

I concluded that if there was a way

it would include this station either way. No matter if we decided to go there now or in 4 years' time.

I found the love of my life. With a less-than-elegant timing. And ill-equipped. But we tried nevertheless. Tried and tried. For bright mornings and worried nights for a whole new notion of distance and seemingly unlimited intoxication. And now we're here. Giving in finally.
I found the love of my life. Yesterday, I told her our relationship was over. I don't love her one bit less than I did at the very beginning. I am inclined to say I love her even more. And still.
There's no safety net. No masterplan. No we'll-get-back-together-once-we've-sorted-this-out. I broke up with the love of my life. So we could get out alive. Nothing more. Nothing less.
No future promises. No this-will-save-us-attitude. I found the love of my life. And then I broke up with her. It might be the stupidest thing I've ever done. Or it might have been the only reasonable option I had. But what is reason?

Change course now

I've been around for some time now,
the summers came and went,
and every sunrise followed a sunset,
time flowed without being bent,
and every August there were hot nights,
every Sunday just empty streets,
and sometimes I heard your voice,
but you weren't there with me.

I got drunk under starry skies,
stayed sober with nothing to dream,
and we waited for the next chapter,
not knowing what this one could mean.
Maybe more drugs would be helpful
or a little more love for you,
or could you knock me unconscious,
I think that might as well do.

Please remind me again what we wanted
and how far we are from it now,
empty shells of a dream left behind
and our ships long run aground.
I've been around for some time now,
for empty summers and lonely space,
and the echoes are slowly fading
it's just days and nights and days.

And every autumn we try anew,
this time in a last attempt,
and if it doesn't work out at all,
we'll just say it came and went.

hard-won truths

love is not a maybe thing

Es ist September - wir haben nicht genug getanzt.

Wir haben nicht genug geküsst im Juli, als es noch möglich war. Nicht oft genug wach gelegen in den viel zu kurzen Nächten. Wir haben nicht genug gelacht über uns und nicht genug getrunken, um davon schwindelig zu sein. Schon fast Herbst. Nur noch wenige Wochen, vielleicht nur ein paar Tage - nicht viel Zeit, um die Bilanz auszugleichen. Wir haben zu wenig gehofft im August. Zu wenig erwartet vom Leben, vom Sommer, von uns. Wir haben zu wenig getanzt, um das Leuchten wachzuhalten. Und nun? Ein letztes, verirrtes Glühwürmchen - aus den Urtiefen des Julis - flattert vorbei. Ein Herzschlag. Ein leises Lächeln. Also doch noch Sommer.