A Priori -- Nicht zynisch werden

Ich mag es, wenn das Wetter mitspielt. Und es sieht ganz so aus, als machte sich der Himmel bereit für eine Runde Ausdauerregen. Ich campiere derweil auf meinem Zimmerboden, habe die indieste Indiemusik die ich hier ausmachen konnte aufgelegt und schlage in regelmäßigen Abständen die Fäuste gegen die Wand oder die flachen Hände auf den Boden. I'm struggling. With myself. First and foremost with myself. Because I think I get her point. But I'm not so sure about mine. I'm not at all sure that this is the right thing to do. And I think I might've missed the five seconds.

I think we've left limbo. And now one half of me is screaming: Try harder, godammit, try at all! Are you really going to let this go by?? And the other half says: Leave her be, she has to figure it out herself. It's not the same as letting it go by.
I'm unhappy with both options. And I try to remember the state of a priori gratefulness from a week ago. At this point I'd rather be the ungrateful bitch who tried harder and broke all the rest apart as well. But it is not only my heart on the line, so I try to shrug my shoulders and believe myself when I say "not ready". But I'm not sure.